Hmm

Well this has been an interesting week. Tomorrow is my last day of school, and only a few hours since it's exams only. I've just been in weird moods lately. I hate it.

Today was awkward. Rachel and I ran into someone at American Apparel, who two days ago was screaming and slammed a door on me. It's weird, after that, anyone I've mentioned it to, or who was there, keeps asking me "Oh, are you okay?" "Are you upset?" "Well are you going to call him?", "Yes", "Not really anymore", and "NO". He called yesterday and pseudo apologized, it was one of those "Well, I'm not apologizing for what I said, because I still meant it, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for freaking out.." bullshit calls. I've jsut stopped caring, can't anyone get that?
Yes, I fell for him a while ago. Yes, maybe I shouldn't have. Yes, we weren't a couple, So why shouldn't I be allowed to be over it by now?

The truth is, I love you to death, too, not "In love", just "I love you too". That's why I'm avoiding all contact, I'm doing this for our own good. He was right, we always were enemies, too alike for our own good. Separated by our own insecurities, and jealousy, by miles of highway and explosive personalities. I wouldn't trade it back for anything, in that short time I learned so much. It was our actions, arguments and conversations that have helped me realize so many things in this world. It's like I thought the same thoughts before, but he helped put them into words. Dark, bitter, and unmerciful, his view of life opened my eyes too. I would rather be realistic and miserable than ignorant and naive.

I just can't give in to him, I don't want to be just another girl he used to see. There are a few in every city he plays. I won't chase him anymore, I wont call first. Maybe i'll see him in a month when he has a break between tours, i just can't keep letting myself stress over someone more broken than anyone I've ever met. I only ever wanted to fix him.

Please understand..

Mama don't play like that

Naturally, my first post would be me rambling and bitching about someone. That what blogs are for right?

Anyways, I really don't understand why you would even have to be making this choice? I could care less that I live an hour away, or that "you've been trying so hard to earn her trust, and make her get over her ex boyfriend", you're probably just fucking pussy whipped. You spent the entire day with me yesterday, did everything you were supposed to do, and even told me how "it felt like we've been hanging out and together for ever". Fuck, even your friends like me already. There really should be no question who you would choose. I don't chase boys.

Here I am, I want to be with you. I don't care about the distance, or anything else. If you just let me go I won't be back when she runs back to her ex.

I could make it easier and just tell her everything about yesterday, and how we kissed, but I'm fucking better than that. It's your responsibility to be honest. You can't like her as much as you once claimed to obviously by how you were acting. You just want security. Fucking take a risk.


asgfaskljgfsdjkgdsjgkdjdskj