Well this has been an interesting week. Tomorrow is my last day of school, and only a few hours since it's exams only. I've just been in weird moods lately. I hate it.
Today was awkward. Rachel and I ran into someone at American Apparel, who two days ago was screaming and slammed a door on me. It's weird, after that, anyone I've mentioned it to, or who was there, keeps asking me "Oh, are you okay?" "Are you upset?" "Well are you going to call him?", "Yes", "Not really anymore", and "NO". He called yesterday and pseudo apologized, it was one of those "Well, I'm not apologizing for what I said, because I still meant it, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for freaking out.." bullshit calls. I've jsut stopped caring, can't anyone get that?
Yes, I fell for him a while ago. Yes, maybe I shouldn't have. Yes, we weren't a couple, So why shouldn't I be allowed to be over it by now?
The truth is, I love you to death, too, not "In love", just "I love you too". That's why I'm avoiding all contact, I'm doing this for our own good. He was right, we always were enemies, too alike for our own good. Separated by our own insecurities, and jealousy, by miles of highway and explosive personalities. I wouldn't trade it back for anything, in that short time I learned so much. It was our actions, arguments and conversations that have helped me realize so many things in this world. It's like I thought the same thoughts before, but he helped put them into words. Dark, bitter, and unmerciful, his view of life opened my eyes too. I would rather be realistic and miserable than ignorant and naive.
I just can't give in to him, I don't want to be just another girl he used to see. There are a few in every city he plays. I won't chase him anymore, I wont call first. Maybe i'll see him in a month when he has a break between tours, i just can't keep letting myself stress over someone more broken than anyone I've ever met. I only ever wanted to fix him.